Two things to avoid when you're trying to comfort a grieving person: advice from a psychologist

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A psychologist explained why some phrases should be forgotten when trying to comfort a person who has lost dear person.

At times like these, words are all we can offer. But your choice of words matters more than you think, writes Mark Travers, PhD, a psychologist and author, in an article for Forbes. He suggests two phrases to avoid when trying to comfort someone:

“He/She is in a better place now.”

When we see someone grieving, we often hear clichés like “Time heals all wounds,” “Things happen for a reason,” or “They are better now.”

The problem with such platitudes, however, is that whether they're true or not, their meaning and intent are lost because they're completely clichéd, overused, and unnecessary, says the psychologist.

According to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, more than 60% of grieving people who participated in the study received such messages, which they found useless.

“Among them were comments that emphasized the ‘positive’ aspects of their loved ones’ deaths, that time would ‘take care of the rest,’ that there were others who had even worse fates, and that they would eventually ‘get over it,’” the article says.

According to Travers, statements that time would heal the wounds of the bereaved deny and devalue their current painful experience.

In contrast, the best thing you can say to someone who is grieving is something that validates their emotions, rather than minimizing or silencing them altogether.

For example, “I know this must be incredibly painful for you. You can take as much time [to grieve] as you need, and know that I will be there for you.” This respects the fact that grief has no timetable. It lets the grieving person know that they are not being pressured, that they are supposed to move on, and that they have someone to support them at their own pace.

Instead of saying, “There is a reason things happen,” acknowledge that death has no real or simple explanation. Instead, you could say something like, “It’s so hard to make sense of this. I can’t imagine how you feel, but I’m here to listen if you need me to.”

Also, don’t say that the person who has died is now in a “better world.” Instead, say something about how normal it is to miss the person who has passed.

“I thought you would be more upset.”

As popular as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s “stage model of grief” is, it has done a disservice to those grieving through the “five stages of existence” of denial, anger, agreement, depression, and acceptance.

A 2017 study from the Journal of Death and Dying notes that this model has led both professionals and laypeople to “assign” people to stages. This, in turn, generates even more unnecessary and indifferent commentary.

When grief doesn't look the way many are used to seeing it, you can make a serious mistake and say something like “I thought you'd be more upset” to the grieving person. Likewise, when grief lasts longer than expected, people may say things like, “I thought you were over it,” or “It's been a year, it's time to move on.”

Kübler -Ross eventually admitted that her stages were “never meant to help put messy emotions into a neat package.” people for the loss of a loved one. However, she says, “there is no such thing as a typical response to bereavement, just as there is no such thing as a typical loss.”

In other words, it's in your best interest to let go of your preconceived notions about what grief does and doesn't look like. . Outwardly, it may seem that someone is handling the loss “well”, but his internal monologue, most likely, indicates the opposite. In the same way, saying that someone has to “get over” their loss at a certain point is the same as prescribing an expiration date for grief.

“You should not transfer your expectations or fears from the past onto a person. It is necessary to create conditions under which both partners can remain themselves. You should stop idealizing your partner and realize that you may not like something in him, and that's normal,” said the psychologist.