5 ways to stop pleasing those around you

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Turn on healthy selfishness and don't try to boost your self-esteem at the expense of other people's approval.

Sometimes we do things we don't want to do in order not to upset others. Some people are so good at pleasing others that they don't even understand why they feel uncomfortable. After all, they have long stopped paying attention to their own needs.

The reason for this behavior is simple: we all want to be liked, we expect approval, love, and care. But the cause of the problem is low self-esteem. It is this that prompts us to take energy-consuming, uncharacteristic actions, giving up our own comfort in favor of the comfort of other people.

These five steps will help you cope with this.

Allow yourself to be yourself

If you are invited to a football game and you hate the sport but agree because it could strengthen your friendship or romantic bond, you are going against yourself. Be honest with yourself and with the person who is inviting you. Admit (to yourself first) that you don't like the idea. Pretending and wanting to do something nice will only hurt you in the long run.

It's okay to be yourself. There are no perfect people, and you are no exception. But your flaws make you unique. Stay true to your thoughts and emotions. Live your life.

Stop judging yourself through the prism of public opinion

Almost everyone is familiar with the fear of public speaking. Most people feel insecure when going on stage because they care more about what the audience thinks of them than about the message they want to convey.

In seeking approval from others, we become their hostages. But we cannot control their feelings, thoughts, and actions, but we are fully responsible for ours.

Do what you can and how you can, improving every day. Feel love and approval for yourself – you don't need other people for this. You can't please everyone, no matter how hard you try. Other people's opinions of you are just their perception, filtered through their own expectations and prejudices. You are wonderful and worthy of happiness not because others think so, but because one day you decided to believe it.

Set appropriate boundaries with the outside world

One of the most difficult things on the path to inner independence is the ability to say “no” to what you really don't want to do without feeling selfish, guilty, or overly concerned about the other person's reaction.

Realize that you are saying “no” to a task or an offer, not to a person. You can’t really disappoint anyone. People get disappointed in their own expectations of you. And that’s their responsibility, not yours.

When you agree to or reject a request that makes you uncomfortable, you shape the way others view you. And you decide whether to let someone take advantage of you. And you make it your responsibility to entertain people and make them happy.

Every time you give time to others, you give them a part of your life. So spend your precious time with people who support you and accept you for who you are. Setting boundaries in relationships may seem like a selfish thing to do. In fact, it’s a form of self-respect and self-care.

Learn to speak confidently

Sometimes it’s hard to say “no” simply because you don’t know how to express yourself clearly and confidently. And you’re afraid that it might sound aggressive or rude. Learn to say no without offending anyone.

Here are some simple statements to start with:

“Right now (this week, this month) I can’t do this.”

“I have a lot of other things to do right now.”

“Thanks for the invitation, but I can’t right now.”

“I can’t go with you, but then be sure to tell me how it all went.”

“Maybe next time. I’ll wait for the invitation next week.”

“That sounds great, but no, thanks.”

Become your own best friend

Stop waiting for other people to make you happy and guess your needs and desires. Put yourself first. Do what brings you joy.

Loving yourself as a person is not selfish, it’s a necessity. Get rid of negative statements about yourself: “I’m stupid,” “I’m too fat,” “I’m ruining everything.” Treat yourself with dignity and respect. Then external approval will become an organic addition, not a goal.

Just realize that the only person who is always present in your life – day and night, year after year – is yourself. And when you are in harmony with yourself, you don't need other people to fill the holes in your own self-esteem.