How not to lose a child's authority: advice from psychologists
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In the early years the life of a child, the authority of parents is unconditional and absolute. But as the child grows up, he learns self-care skills, educators and teachers appear in his life.
He observes different patterns of behavior and relationships, tries to express his opinion. And parents have to make efforts to maintain authority.
How to always remain an authority for a child,said Karina Richtere – a psychologist, a specialist in child-parent relations, a graduate of the University of Milan Bicocca, a mother of 5 children, an adept of attachment theory, the founder of the Mamazonka online school, which helps parents build warm relationships with children and educate them without guilt.
Is it necessary to build a partnership with the child?
Increasingly, you can hear from modern parents that it is necessary to build a partnership with the child: be interested in his opinion, learn about preferences, discuss, try to be friends.
Such a partnership position can reach absurdity when adults discuss with a 3-year-old child what time he should go to bed or when he will eat candy. A child cannot yet understand many things. He is guided by momentary desires and is not able to understand that the routine of the day is necessary for his health, and sweets before lunch are harmful to the stomach.
When parents try to establish a partnership or friendship with their son or daughter, it indicates their desire to always be good. But such behavior does not make them authoritative. Adults become hostages of their position. The child grows up and feels permissive, and also does not know how to perceive the word “no” and other life “difficulties”.
What does it mean to be an authority for a child?
An authority figure is a person who sets boundaries and rules of behavior. This is done out of love for the child and good motives. For example, forcing him to go to bed at 9 p.m., an adult realizes that during this period the human body produces certain hormones necessary for metabolism. If the baby goes to bed whenever he wants, it will lead to imbalance in the body and diseases.
The child is not able to understand these subtleties due to his age. The act of an adult, who sets boundaries, at this moment causes resentment, indignation, which flows into a storm of emotions. The child may start a tantrum, cry, scream, even roll on the floor, insisting on his own, but the position of the parents should not change.
Difficult child: what to do with children who do not obey
The ability of dad or mom to find the inner strength to survive the child's emotions is the basis of authority. You can help a child overcome the feelings that have overtaken him, feel sorry for him, feel sad, but the rules should not be broken.
Establishing boundaries makes parents less close people, but it has a beneficial effect on the child's psyche. He understands that the world does not revolve around him alone, and in life there are different situations to which one must be able to adapt. Growing up, the child has no illusions, becomes more flexible, copes with difficulties more easily.
The basis of authority is the inner confidence of parents that they are adults and therefore make decisions. They are not obliged to satisfy all the whims of their children. It is the internal support that makes it possible to experience the child's emotions and not try to indulge them in the desire to become a “good mother”.
How to become an authority for the child?
To earn a child's authority, you don't have to do everything he wants or act like a best friend. But you should not intimidate or insult the baby so that he is afraid of you. Authority is built on trust, respect and emotional intimacy.
Set reasonable rules and stick to them
If there is a rule in the family that the children go to bed at 9 p.m., there should be no exceptions. Whims are not a reason to deviate from the regime. When a child goes to kindergarten, it is necessary to take him there every weekday, and not to focus on his wishes and mood. There may be several rules in the family – not too many, but the child must understand from an early age that the rules must be followed.
Keep Your Promises
When building boundaries, try to always keep your promises. Do not deceive the child: it will be difficult to regain the lost trust. This rule applies to both encouragement and punishment.
If you promised to go to the zoo, put things aside and definitely do it. When you ask your child to return at 8:00 p.m. from a walk with friends, and say that if he is late, you will not allow him to use gadgets for a week – also keep your promise. Any deviation from your words will be seen as weakness and will not allow you to earn authority.
Protect the child
Do not allow other people to shout or scold your child, even if it is his fault. Stop pressuring and negative comments about him. At home alone, you can talk to him sternly, but you don't need to do it in front of everyone. The child should feel that you are on his side. And condemn the act, not the child.
Teach the child to admit his mistakes
You should not scold or punish the child for mistakes: he must realize them so as not to make them in the future. Let him apologize and, if possible, correct his actions. For example, if your son pulled a girl's hair at school, let him apologize to his classmate in private. Do not punish, but also do not let the situation take its course, so that the child does not develop a feeling of permissiveness.
Set an example
Your own example is the best way of education. When setting rules and family traditions, consider that you must follow them. If you want to instill a love for a healthy lifestyle, follow it yourself. Otherwise, the child will have questions about why adults can violate boundaries, but children cannot. If you systematically trick and deceive, you will not be able to achieve authority.
Answer the child's questions
If the child asks about something, do not wave it off and do not refer to the fact that you are busy. Of course, parents don't have to know everything. But today we can use the Internet and easily find the information we need. When the child is interested in something, study the question and tell him about it. The ability to listen and encourage a child's curiosity increases the authority of parents.
Respect your child's needs
It is about needs, not wants. Be interested in hobbies, interests of your son or daughter. If a child wants to attend a drawing group and asks to buy him paints, this is not a whim, but a need for self-expression. But another piece of candy or a toy is a momentary desire that should not be satisfied unnecessarily.
Trying to earn the authority of your child, be sure of your own position, do not violate established boundaries and do not try to build a partnership with the child. Feel inner confidence and act in a way that resembles common sense and love.
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