How to survive a breakup and why it is difficult to leave a neurotic relationship

0

Why breakups occur, what can be done to save the relationship, how to ask loved ones for help and avoid a destructive scenario in the future, will be discussed further.

Healthy and neurotic relationships

Relationship breakdown – this is always stress, which is quite difficult to cope with. Moreover, a break can happen both in healthy relationships and in neurotic ones. The breakup of a healthy relationship is easier to experience. 

In this case, the couple usually conducts a dialogue and the decision to break up does not become a bolt out of the blue. Most often, the decision to divorce is made together, the partners are prepared for changes in life, everyone is confident in their abilities, expects the best from the future and is adapted to a new life. Of course, even if the decision was considered, it takes time to separate from the partner emotionally, physically, and from a domestic point of view, to adjust to a new rhythm. And yet, in such a case, all this is experienced as something that can be overcome and live on.

The breakdown of neurotic relationships is more complicated. In this case, there was no practice of trustful communication, open dialogue, where partners openly express their will and desires within the union. Often partners do not even really know each other, do not seek to understand the motives and feelings of the partner. If the breakup and parting comes as a surprise, it is likely that it was a neurotic relationship.

In this situation, the one who did not make the decision to leave is going through a difficult and traumatic experience. This can exacerbate chronic psychological injuries that will “finish off” a person who is already exhausted by the breakup. Fortunately, this experience can become a turning point in the awareness of oneself and one's needs, pathological attitudes and dysfunctional schemes in the field of love (and not only) relationships.

Causes of neurotic relationships

Neurotic love , like toxic relationships, originates in childhood and reflects relationships with parents. For example, if a child suffered from the coldness of his parents, there is a possibility that he will look for the same partner in adult life. His ideas about love and relationships are associated with detachment, so the colder the better.

Another example: quite often depressed parents (or one of them) instill a sense of guilt in the child. This happens automatically and sometimes without parents realizing that the child is constantly suffering from the fact that he cannot make mom or dad happy. Such a child will look for a partner who is difficult to please.

Neurotic relationships differ from healthy ones in that, firstly, the partner “loves” through suffering, because, unfortunately, he has no experience of a relationship in which everyone is satisfied and happy. He loves those who do not value him, repel and bring pain. Such a relationship is based on the fact that a person watches a movie from the past over and over again: despite the fact that his partner is cold, but they are together, which means that it is similar to what happened to him in childhood – in his understanding this is the love that he associates with any suffering in order not to be abandoned.

Therefore, when such a person is abandoned by a partner in adult life, the picture of her childhood, in which she was not noticed, did not share warmth with her and did not pay due attention, comes to life. The greatest fear of his childhood came true – he was abandoned. Suffering that occurs in response is chronic trauma. They are so painful that they do not allow you to look at this situation differently and benefit from it, for example, to recognize previous relationships as destructive, to draw conclusions and still find the person who will reciprocate.

Defensive reactions of the psyche< /h3>

If the separation caused the revival of old wounds, psychological defense mechanisms will first of all stabilize the mental state:

Denial

“No, it will pass and we will be together again!” A person who uses denial will selflessly look for signs that he is right. For example, a woman can convince herself that even though her partner left her, he did not go to someone else, and therefore does not love anyone and will soon return.

Expulsion

The abandoned partner can say to himself: “Nothing terrible happened, it will hurt and be forgotten.” At the same time, this pain can last for several years and become chronic. Those who manage to suppress unpleasant experiences may not pay attention to internal discomfort and feelings of unhappiness, because they have become accustomed to this as their normal state.

Regression

This mechanism of psychological protection can lead a person to tantrums – a primitive form of abdication of responsibility for what is happening. Or, on the contrary, regressing, a person can literally freeze: emotions, as well as will, appetite, desire to live, disappear. A depressive period may begin.

Sublimation

Well known to those who tend to ignore unpleasant experiences. By sublimating, a person can completely go to work or any other activity that helps to forget and not think about the traumatic event.

Acute reactions, aggression towards others and autoaggression

If the tension in the psyche is great, it will seek a way out, for example, in the form of acute reactions: aggressive outbursts, a harsh style of communication (for example, at work or while driving), angry posts on social networks, frequent sexual contacts that lead to disappointment, alcohol abuse or drugs.

All these mechanisms work unconsciously, i.e. they are not manifested by a person's will and desire, but automatically. The mind may say that drinking is bad, but the pain can be so unbearable that any method that slightly raises the pain threshold will do.

There is another defense at the level of consciousness that can be controlled and used at the right time. This is the so-called psychological compensation, which is expressed in adaptive behavior. For example, in order not to meet with an ex, they block him in the phone book, social networks, and avoid meetings. The opposite situation also happens: in order to better navigate what is happening and get the most complete picture, the recent partner is in the field of view. Behind this may be a desire to clarify everything down to the smallest detail and once again make sure that “this is really happening”. stress and any psychological protection performs an important function — to protect the psyche from destruction. It is important that the protection phase is followed by the grieving phase, when the fact that everything is over and you can mourn your pain is recognized, this is a natural process when processing the loss of a loved one.

How to help yourself

A breakup of a relationship is a great burden for the psyche.  It is not just, as they say,  “the heart breaks” or “the soul hurts” – the body is actually experiencing serious psychophysiological stress. The cardiovascular system, digestion, hormonal background, sleep and the ability to rest, the natural course of the rhythm of day and night – all this comes under attack.

During difficult changes in life, it is very important to remember that you are in an unusual state for yourself, and to help yourself as much as possible: eat well, get enough sleep, exercise to relieve tension, eat foods that give strength and do not burden the body .

For the sake of fairness, it must be said that not all stages of stress can be done at all. Sometimes lying flat and staring at the wall is better than you can help yourself. If possible, take care of yourself – take time off from work and order food home instead of cooking. Try to prepare the space and time where you can fully surrender to your experiences.

In order for the loss process to proceed without complications and end, it is very important to go through all its stages honestly. After the first wave of shock passes, a stage of aggression occurs, interspersed with rationalization – the desire to talk to the partner again and again and, thus, improve the state of affairs (the so-called bargaining stage). These stages can take different time and, unfortunately, it is impossible to predict their duration.

One of the last stages is depression — not so acute, but a stable condition. It is easily recognized by a decline in strength, dulled feelings and reactions, inability to enjoy pleasure, sleep and appetite disorders. Despite the difficult course, this is a very important period that prepares us for the final solution to the situation — the stage of acceptance and end of suffering.

Stage of acceptance and end of sufferingStage of acceptance and end of suffering

Unfortunately, there are no recipes to shorten the most painful stage, but to ease the condition, allow yourself to do whatever you want. If you want to go – try to do it, if you want to lock yourself in an apartment – try to take sick leave. Do not neglect the help of others, but set the limits of what is allowed: let your family and friends know how they can be useful to you and how closely you are ready to communicate now. Ask not to discuss certain topics with you. Openly tell them what you need: from household to emotional needs. Your sincerity will help to set up communication with friends and loved ones, who, unfortunately, do not always know how to behave correctly in such situations.

How to survive a breakup with a loved one

Broken communication is one for the main reasons that partners move away from each other and stop adequately assessing the state of affairs. To prevent this, pay attention to whether there is a lack of communication between you and your partner, silence of any feelings or facts, or maybe someone in your couple expects their thoughts to be read and thus avoids responsibility? 

Silence, ignoring, and references to social standards and generalizations (“You're a man!” or “A wife should…”) destroy trust and intimacy. The specifics of your unique relationship can be replaced by “life foundations” and society's perception of how things “should be”, preventing you from following a special, just-for-your-couple scenario.

How and why to mend a broken relationship< /h3>

The degree of closeness and honesty to each other (and to yourself), as well as the style of conflict resolution, depends on properly constructed communication. Family therapy is built on this idea: starting it, partners learn safe ways to express their desires, suffering, fears, learn to enter into conflict and resolve it. The therapist, as a referee, observes the dialogue, leads both partners to achieve results and satisfaction from the interaction.

If you feel that you have no strength left to explain what is happening between you, take a few sessions of couples therapy. It will quickly become clear whether you need to continue working on the relationship or whether it is worth ending it. It is important to remember that the therapist does not take sides and will not support the game of one partner to the detriment of the other. The therapist acts as a translator between two people who for some reason started speaking different languages.

How to avoid a destructive scenario in the future – psychologist's advice

A favorable psychological climate in a relationship, among other things, depends on how clearly each partner understands his role, namely: why he is in this relationship and what he needs it for.

Neurotic or toxic relationships differ in that , that they are used to reduce the degree of personal neuroses and work out personal problems. If both partners coincide in neuroses, the union can be stable and strong. For example, someone who is important to show control in relation to the closest person meets someone who gladly accepts this control due to their own childhood traumas.

Another case is when one of the partners does not need to work out the pathological scenario and still meets a less stable person and serves as a constant source of discharge and recharging for him. Then a person who becomes a training ground for neurosis will most likely want to give up the relationship that exhausts him.

Other roles we play in relationships can be learned through transactional analysis. The main idea of ​​this method is that each of us takes the position of a child, father or adult in different life situations. By learning about your patterns of behavior, you can adjust your attitudes and inappropriate expectations from relationships. 

This is important because a full-fledged and multifaceted strong union is possible when two “adults” meet who know their needs, boundaries and weaknesses. Knowing these weak points allows you not to provoke situations that can manifest themselves to the detriment of the couple.

All this may seem quite complicated, but in fact, in order to have a healthy and strong relationship, you do not need to stock up on theoretical knowledge at all. psychology. In order to choose a suitable partner, it is important to first of all solve your personal problems, get to know yourself, learn about your advantages, understand what attracts people and what repels them. 

Emphasis on yourself, with whom you manage to build strong contact, and whom you do not want to see even among friends. Do not forget about what is valuable in a relationship, what union you would like to build with another person and how you see your happiness in a couple.