How to understand that the mother has an unhealthy influence on life

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No matter how you are close with your mother – your relationship cannot remain the same as in childhood. For healthy communication with parents in adulthood, it is necessary to gain independence in time and start managing your own life.

How do you understand that it is time for you to establish personal boundaries in your relationship with your mother?

Talking with her lowers your self-esteem

In a healthy relationship between parents and children, every conversation between them does not turn into a test. As family therapist Christine Scott-Hudson points out, “One of the ways we can tell when we have poor boundaries with our mother is that when we spend time with them, either on the phone or in person, we start to feel oppressed, manipulated, trapped, controlled.”

Any unsolicited comments about your life or appearance violate your boundaries, whether they come from your mother or anyone else. As a teenager, you may have been shamed in front of her for secretly cutting or coloring your hair without permission. But now you are an adult and you have the right to decide for yourself how to look. If your mom always comments on your clothes, makeup, or hair, talk to her about how her words affect you and encourage her to keep her negative thoughts to herself.

She constantly asks to solve her problems

Helping mom with work or advice is a normal part of a relationship, but only if she doesn't run to you for literally any reason. The problem is not that you find it difficult to comply with her requests. It is important that you do not take too much responsibility for her life. Let the solution of these problems remain her personal choice, of course, if we are talking about an adult able-bodied person. Otherwise, you risk receiving a lot of scolding or entering into a codependent relationship with your mother.

She has strict expectations of you

Discipline and motivation are very important in the process of upbringing, but sometimes mothers forget that children are not born to fulfill the ambitions of their parents. Do not accept open pressure for support. If you find it difficult to separate your desires from the goals imposed by your mother, this is a sign that you need healthy boundaries in your relationship.

Ask her to give you more space to decide what your career and personal life will be like. This will help you understand what you really want. Following your priorities is important to being happy, and it doesn't matter if those priorities coincide with someone else's expectations.

She criticizes your partner

When parents are categorically against your partner for no apparent reason, this can also indicate a lack of boundaries between you. Under the pretext of care and protection, mom constantly criticizes your boyfriend, forgetting the main thing: she can't live this life for you. You should have your own choices (even if they don't seem promising or worthy enough to someone), your mistakes and your luck.

The next time mom allows herself a snide comment in his direction, tell her: “I'm sorry, that you don't like my partner, but I like him. Try not to make any more comments in his direction.”

In her presence, you get angry for no reason

It's normal to feel down after a fight with your mom. But, if such emotions are caused by any of your, even the smallest conversation, you should figure out why this is happening. Do you feel unfair disrespect on her part, what exactly in her behavior causes you such emotions.

Try to discuss this with your mother, only without accusations and reproaches. If this conversation seems too difficult, just find what annoys you and try to avoid those topics in your relationship with her.

She rules your life< /p>

This is not necessarily the mother's fault, perhaps the reason for the lack of boundaries between you is your own infantilism. If you're still living together and she's paying the rent, buying groceries, your clothes, managing everything in your life, even making doctor's appointments herself, it's easy to feel dependent and depressed.

In such under the circumstances, it is very difficult to establish boundaries in communication — for starters, physical boundaries will not interfere. Take responsibility for your life, and for mom, leave the role of support, not an active participant.