If the mother has a very difficult character: several rules of communication have been proposed by psychologists

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It absolutely does not matter whether you have always had a bad relationship with your mother or it has deteriorated very recently, in any case it is quite difficult.

Being with each other can be impossible, and every conversation sounds like a poorly written drama. The sooner you learn how to communicate with a toxic mother, the better, and especially for this, we have collected some important rules that should be followed.

Reduce the time you spend together

It doesn't matter if you meet on the weekend or just talk on the phone – try to limit the number of contacts. Back away slowly. For example, if you are used to seeing or talking to a toxic mother every day, reduce the interaction to 5-6 times a week. This will allow you to maintain the relationship, but not make it too close.

Consider stopping communication for a while

If there is a period when your conversations become particularly toxic, it is better to avoid them. Sometimes it is really appropriate to interrupt communication, because this will allow you to find a space to calm down and work on your own negative attitudes. Use this time to figure out how you will maintain your relationship going forward.

For many years, your relationship with your mother was built on her terms: she cared for you, fed you, took care of you and clothed you. But now that you've become an adult, it's time to figure out what your relationship should look like in the future. Consider which topics and areas of conversation should be limited, and which, on the contrary, can be a great topic to bring the two of you closer and maintain warm feelings.

Set boundaries

When mom is always pretty toxic, it can be difficult to separate from the family, and it takes a lot of courage to build healthy boundaries. But as difficult as it may be, it's an important step to take.

When you become less dependent, that's when you start the recovery process. Boundaries are important, but first you need to develop the inner confidence in yourself to be able to set those boundaries.

You need to learn not to react too emotionally, not to take other people's words to heart and not to be responsible for other people's feelings, desires and needs. Your mother may be able to push various buttons skillfully, but the secret is that it is because of her that these buttons exist in principle.

Not reacting to parents can be more difficult than to friends or partners, so this task is really difficult. Many family therapists suggest that the ideal way to become independent from the family is to start working on your development regularly with a psychotherapist, and then practice your new knowledge in meetings with the parents. It's a long process, but eventually you'll be able to stop feeling irritated when you go home for holidays or Sunday dinners. In some situations, there is a chance to even find a common language with a toxic mother and enjoy a peaceful family atmosphere again.

Keep confidence

< p>A toxic mother rarely behaves respectfully towards her daughter. She can look for all weak points, provoke scandals and even fights, so you need to know that you can definitely stand up for yourself.

Be confident in your right to use stop phrases, for example, “If you want to talk to me, don't use that tone.” You should also regularly practice saying no to emphasize that you deserve respect.

Speak with respect

An easy way to add fuel to the fire is to start saying the same disrespectful thing back. Even if mom is really a toxic person, try to keep peace with her. Talk to her respectfully, as this is an important step in establishing boundaries.

Let's say your mom complains that she doesn't like the career you've chosen. Say: “Yes, Mom, I understand that it is really difficult and unpleasant for you. But I feel anxious when I talk about it.” In this way, you not only confirm her feelings, but also emphasize what worries you. Tell them that you are feeling anxious and that you need to change the subject of the conversation. Practice these kinds of responses in advance, especially if these situations happen again and again.

Even if your mom doesn't stick to the boundary, it's much more helpful for you as a child to repeat positive attitudes and mantras.

Remember that her toxicity has nothing to do with you

Some victims of emotional domestic abuse want to blame themselves for the relationship becoming toxic, but it is always important to remember that it none of your business. Take the pressure off yourself and believe that if you make a specific choice in life, everything will change. Even if you choose a job at her behest or marry someone she approves of, she will remain just as toxic.

It is also worth remembering that you are unlikely to make such a mistake in relations with your children. You can repeat this as a mantra: you are not your mother. You have nothing to do with the hurtful things she says to you. You don't have to love your mother, but you can be attached to her. Remember also that what hurts you the most is that you prevent yourself from getting angry and offended, although you really have the right to these feelings.

Remind yourself that you don't have to make mom happy

Repeat to yourself: this is my life, I can love my mom, but I won't let her control my life, influence it, and ruin everything, what i'm trying to achieve Repeat this every morning, noon and night until you really understand the meaning of these words. Remember also that you are not responsible for the life your mother chose.

Give a chance to change

People who grew up in a dysfunctional family may believe that their parents will never change. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a chance. There are those who go beyond their habitual behavior, especially if they have had a chance to hear how toxic behavior is damaging your life. Even if it doesn't work, you'll know you at least tried.

But keep in mind that you can't change her

< At the same time, remember that you cannot change your mother without her desire. She is an adult who is responsible for the choices she makes in life. All you can do is control your own emotions, build boundaries, and take care of yourself.

Get help

You probably already know that living with a toxic mother is very, very difficult. The best way to find support in this situation is to turn to a psychotherapist. Even a few consultations can be enough to hear the most important tips for overcoming these negative emotions, as well as mastering the skills of dealing with fear and anxiety.