Too Different: Do Opposites Really Attract

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The law of gravity is physics. And it doesn't explain your attraction to men who don't suit you.

We are often drawn to our opposites: they are interesting to watch and to some extent complement our imperfect personality. But at the same time, we are annoyed by partners who vote for another party in the parliamentary elections and prefer watching “Roman Holiday” or “Wolverine”. The best life companions — soulmates or antipodes?

Research conducted in the 1970s showed that women tend to choose men with a genetic complex different from their own. That is, the more a guy looks like you, the more you want to snuggle up to him. Let's supplement this fact with the attraction of the unknown and the theory of attraction of polarities — and we will get admiration for men who are not suitable for you at all.

Well, for example. You are prudent and pragmatic, and he is an artist and an alcoholic. Or you are creative and adventurous, and he is pedantic and slow. Agree, such a union looks great in romantic comedies of the 2000s, but it is not at all suitable for life. You will be annoyed by even his most innocent habits, and he will be angry at your shortcomings. Of course, sometimes someone else's “cold mind” can cool your reckless impulses, but does it matter if it annoys you that your husband does not systematically sort the garbage and smokes in the toilet? Opposites attract. But they do not unite.

When choosing a life partner, and not just a figure of a fleeting affair, it is important to understand that you want to live with this person. In the literal sense of the word: you will have dinner together, raise pets and choose which show to download on the iPad for the train ride. All this is unthinkable with a person who does not share your views. You and your partner must play on the same team, which means share common values.

You can be very different in small things, but globally you must be identical. Catch the important point: similarity lies in more than one language, taste, thinking and even faith. “The same” is a Christian and a Krishna woman, “different” is an atheist and a Buddhist. It is not so important to which god each of you prays (or not), but religiosity is a serious psychological component that each partner should have (or not have). It's the same with determination, patriotism, love of sex, and excitement – either you both have it or you don't.

Psychotherapist, TED-speaker and writer Ester Perel claims that the strongest connection is those couples who have come together in a basic auto-coupling and have been able to approach their differences with respect and understanding. The “do you clean up the damn cup or get out of here” position doesn't work. Such selection creates a very narrow circle of people who will be able to fit into your life. People should not be convenient, they should be important and loved.

If you understand that your boyfriend is looking in the same direction as you, but does not want to compromise with you at all and not throw a wet a towel on the bed after a shower, accept that. Here is the truth. Let him know that this habit is driving you crazy. Remember this next time. Remind me again. Make a comment. But within yourself, accept this fact and allow your husband to have his flaws and his own destiny – with his structure and nonsense. A person who cares about you will take into account your wishes, so he will listen to your requests. But your “acceptance” will let him understand that you do not seek to process or educate him, but simply protect your psychological comfort. It's nice.